


When's a monster not a monster?

by scalira



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Raphael, Homophobia, M/M, Raphael backstory, Simon started using Satan's name in vain, greyromantic Raphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 03:18:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6453277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scalira/pseuds/scalira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh, when you love it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When's a monster not a monster?

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to respect the aro/ace Raphael headcanon as best I could. His sexuality in this fic is asexual, grey-homoromantic.  
> Simon is a little bisexual bean, as he should be :)

**_Then_ **

( _There once was a boy who thought he was a monster. Even before he became one.)_

Raphael Santiago did everything a good Christian was expected to do. He went to church every Sunday, prayed by his bed every night, was kind to strangers and  _never_  took the Lord’s name in vain. He was a good man, honest and pious and reliable.

So it would only be fair that life would treat him right. Marry a nice girl with rosy cheeks, buy a nice house, get an average job and have two children.

But, as it turns out, life isn’t fair. Not even for good Christians.

At first, Raphael thought he was just broken. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he stared at the naked female bodies in dirty magazines his friends brought over, he felt nothing. No twitch in his gut, no quick breathing, no desire to bed any of them. He thought maybe he had a type and he’d feel the way he was supposed to feel when he found it, so he went through every magazine he could get his hands on, descretly checked out girls in his neighborhood, even tried flirting with some of them to see if he just needed that to get going.

Nothing.

Sure, they were attractive, some more than others. But they just didn’t have the same effect on him as they had on other boys.

It only became worse when he got older. Where his friends would tell wild stories about having sex in the back of their cars, feeling a girl up in a dark movie theatre, gripping in their hair as they sucked them off, Raphael could only tell them about holding hands with them, a kiss on the lips at best.

When he was seventeen, an horrific thought accured to him. So wrong, so horrible he could barely think about it at all.

But as he lay in bed at night, unable to sleep because he was worrying too much about something being wrong with him, he could no longer push the thought away.

What if he liked boys?

It was something people barely spoke of, something that was whispered between school books and around bubblegum. There was no such thing as being attracted to the same gender, God forbid it.  _Man shall not lay with man_. 

But still, even though people tried to pretend it didn’t exist, there were still rumors. Grown women living together as ‘roommates’, though they could both easily afford a nice house to find a nice man. Boys carefully sneaking around in the dead of night to meet with someone in dark alleys where they thought no curious eyes could see them.

Imagining his mother’s reaction if he indeed was homosexual made Raphael feel sick to his stomach. He wondered if she would throw him out of the house, disown him, never speak to him again. He could barely stand thinking about that possibility.

But he  _had_  to know, and over the course of the next couple of weeks, he found himself looking at guys the way he used to look at girls; trying to find something he found sexually pleasing, trying to focus on something changing in him, indicating that he was attracted to boys.

When he realized that he still felt nothing about them, he didn’t know whether he should feel relieved or concerned.

Because, if he didn’t like girls, and he didn’t like boys, then what was wrong with him?

He had never heard about something like this before. You either liked the opposite sex or you lived in sin as someone who liked the same sex. But he had never heard of people just not liking  _any_  sex.

He decided to just let it rest for now, pushing the worry aside till he at least graduated highschool.

But then there was a friend, and his name was David.

David was everything Raphael wasn’t. He was tall and blonde and outgoing. Everyone liked David, and by extend, everyone liked Raphael. Because wherever David went, Raphael went with him. His eyes were deep blue, and when the light hit them just right Raphael swore he held the sky captive in them.

Raphael had known David for a few years and they’d always been pretty close. They shared the same interests, joked about the same things and enjoyed each other’s company. They often came around each other’s houses to do homework or hang out or just talk.

Boy, could David talk.

He was one of those people who could talk about anything, ranging from sports to poetry to why chocolate milkshakes were better than strawberry ones. But his favorite thing to talk about was Raphael.

He asked Raphael questions about Mexico, about his father and his family. He begged him to teach him some Spanish and that’s how they found themselves developing some sort of code language, English and Spanish strung together so only they knew what they were talking about. It was childish and ridiculous, but talking to David in their secret language quickly became one of his favorite things to do.

And though he still didn’t feel the desire to have sex with him, Raphael did start to develop  _other_  desires.

For example, when they were sharing a stolen cigarette, Raphael would glance at David’s lips as he took a drag. He had nice lips; pink and a bit chopped from picking at them when he was nervous. For the first time in his entire life, Raphael wanted to kiss someone.

He tried to push the thought away, especially because this was one of his best friends he was thinking about, but he started noticing other things about David too. The way his eyes would wrinkle when he laughed loudly, how warm his hand was when it brushed against Raphael’s, how close he was sitting, the way he smelled.

Raphael realized with a shock that he had feelings for David.

When he was alone at night, having spent the day with David, he started fantasizing about him. About his lips on his, his hand holding his, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

And then, finally, there was the feeling in his guts, the butterflies. He lost sleep over David, couldn’t eat because his stomach was constantly tied into a knot.

Raphael was in love.

It was terrifying, against everything he was raised on, wrong, and the most exhilarating thing he had ever felt.

His initial plan was to just enjoy being in love in secret. He could just be friends with David without letting his feelings get the best of him, right?

Wrong.

He managed to hide his feelings for a few weeks, but the exhilarating feeling of being in love was quickly replaced by more suffocating feelings, like being trapped. He had to do something about it, and fast, before he choked on them.

He didn’t plan it, didn’t even think he was ever going to do it, but when he was over at David’s a few days later and they were listening to some music in his bedroom, Raphael kissed him.

Raphael didn’t know what he had been expecting. Maybe, deep down, he still thought David would hate him, would push him off, call him names, maybe even beat him up.

But that’s not what happened at all. Instead, David kissed him back.

David’s fingers laced through Raphael’s thick hair as he parted their lips and Raphael  _whined_ , leaning into David until their chests were touching and he could feel David’s hammering heart.

When they finally leant back, both panting, David said: “Nobody can find out.”

Raphael agreed.

* * *

 

**_Now_ **

_(There once was a boy who thought he was a monster, until someone made him feel like he wasn’t.)_

Simon had always been a fan of vampires. He gueses it’s just part of growing up in the 21st century, where authors like Stephanie Meyer make hard cash from writing about swooning girls falling for brooding vampires and one vampire movie after the other is thrown into your face. There is just no escaping them.

But he expected the vampires to stay trapped in the endless books and movies.

That was before he got kidnapped by a clan of them.

If there’s anything he learned from watching classic horror flicks and reading  _Dracula_ , it’s recognizing the signs of vampirism. So when he starts hallucinating and he thinks his coffee turns into blood and he  _swears_  he’s growing fangs, he knows something is wrong.

Going back to the DuMort was a bad idea. Incredibly, amazingly, Luke-thinking-he-could-fight-Darth-Vader-by-himself bad. But he thought Raphael could help him, even though the vampire had made it perfectly clear that Simon’s life meant nothing to him.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t Raphael who greeted him in the hotel. It was Camille.

The next thing he remembers, he’s clawing his way through the dirt, pure animal instinct leading him to the surface. Once he’s out, a new, terrifying instinct takes over. One that sets his throat on fire, turns off all the other instincts. There’s only hunger.

Then there are bags of blood thrown at him and he’s ripping the plastic and letting the substance drip down his throat before he realizes what he’s doing. And when he does, he’s disgusted with himself.

He’s on his feet and running and everything is so fast, so loud. Raphael is there out of nowhere and now he’s not only hungry. He’s also angry.

“You’re a monster,” Simon hisses. He doesn’t miss the hurt flashing over Raphael’s face before he whispers to himself: “ _I’m_  a monster.”

And then he’s running  _again_  and he doesn’t know where to go because his throat is still burning and he’s still so hungry and he’s scared and he just crawled out his own grave -

“Welcome home.” He’s at the DuMort, which looks about as inviting as a festival toilet and it’s Raphael who says it, all serious and slightly sarcastic and maybe even enjoying Simon’s identity crisis.

For the first time in his life, Simon doesnt have a witty comeback.

**~~**

At first, Simon struggles with his new nature. He tries to stay up as long as possible after sunrise, but he quickly finds out vampires are up during the night for a reason. Not only is the sun deadly, it also gives them a horrible headache, even if they stay inside.

So yeah, that rebellious act quickly fails. Simon tries other things, like refusing to practise his new abilities and hanging out with Clary even when Raphael tells him not to, but that only earns him glares and unappreciative comments  from his clan members. Which really isn’t helping him to adjust to the vampire life.

Simon guesses he’s always been a little self destructive.

But then a clan member goes missing. Simon didn’t know the guy, barely knows his name, but all the others lose sleep over his disappearance. Raphael sends out several search parties, seems even more on edge than usual.

It’s somewhere after noon, well past Simon’s bedtime, when a pain so deep Simon has to gasp for air rips through his body. He sits up straight, clutches his chest and tries to wil the pain away.

Somewhere in the DuMort, someone screams.

Simon’s legs tangle in his sheets as he tries to get out of bed and he stumbles to his door, kicking off the covers wrapped around his ankle and tumbling outside.

He nearly bumps into Raphael, whose arms shoot forward to steady Simon out of reflex.

“Raphael, what’s going on?” Simon asks. Raphael looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

The other vampire opens his mouth to reply, but then another chilling scream fills the hotel. They look at each other and then move almost in sync, quickly making their way to the entrance hall.

The clan has gathered there already, standing in a circle around a figure Simon can’t see. Raphael pushes his way past the bodies and Simon slips between them too to see what’s going on.

There’s a female vampire on the floor, clutching onto someone else. Simon believes her name is Maggie.

“Raphael,” she cries once she sees her leader. Raphael reaches for her hand and kneels by her side.

“Raphael, it’s Marc. They killed Marc!”

“I know,” Raphael says softly, bowing his head sadly.

“I felt it too.”

Maggie starts sobbing and Raphael pulls her to his chest, stroking her hair and speaking to her in Spanish. Though Simon can’t understand him, he knows he’s comforting her.

Eventually, Raphael gently lifts her up and hands her to someone else.

“Take her to her room,” he instructs the man. 

“Stay with her until she falls asleep.”

The man nods curtly and walks away. Then Raphael focuses his attention on his clan.

“Someone killed Marc tonight. We all felt it and we’ll carry this loss for the rest of our existence, but we’ll find out who killed him. And we will avenge him.”

Simon watches as the clan members nod, can feel the energy pulsating between them. This death will not go unpunished.

To his surprise, Simon finds himself wanting to avenge Marc’s death too.

“Now, get some rest if you can. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

And with that, the clan all goes their own way. When Simon wants to go back to his room, Raphael stops him.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

Simon nods.

“Yeah, I guess. I didn’t really know him, but it still hurts.”

“When I said our clan is connected, I meant that quite literally.”

“I get that now.”

Raphael is still staring at him and Simon has to fight every fiber in his body not to squirm under his gaze.

“Listen, if you - if it’s still bothering you tomorrow - you can come to me, okay? The first loss is always hard to deal with.”

“How many losses have you had to deal with?”

“Eleven. And they never stop hurting.”

Simon swallows, looks away from Raphael’s dark eyes.

“Try to get some sleep if you can,” Raphael says when he sees Simon isn’t planning on saying anything else. Then he steps away so Simon can pass.

Simon tries to fall back asleep once he’s back in his bedroom, but the aching dullness in his chest keeps him awake until the sun sets.

**~~**

During the night, most vampires in the DuMort go out. The first few days after Marc’s death they stayed in to grieve, but now the hotel is as good as empty once again. Simon stayed in tonight, not really feeling like seeing anyone and watching Star Wars instead.

He thinks he’s in for a quiet night, accompanied by Han Solo and his great ass, when a loud noise coming from Raphael’s room startles him.

He thinks maybe the clan leader dropped something (like a table or an entire wardrobe or whatever would slip out of the hands of a damn  _vampire_ ) and tries to focus back on the movie, but then another noise has him rolling out of bed to check it out.

The door to Raphael’s room is ajar. Simon pushes it open and peeks inside, only to find the room completely in ruins.

“Raphael?” He calls out as he steps aside. He has to duck to avoid a chair flying his way.

“Hey! What’s the matter with you?” His eyes dart over the room and eventually settle on Raphael, who’s standing in the middle of the mess.

He isn’t wearing his usual fancy suit and his hair isn’t slicked back. Instead, he’s wearing pajama pants and a black shirt and his hair is curly and messy. His chest is rising and falling unevenly, and since vampires don’t need to breathe, Simon figures it’s out of pure reflex.

“Uh, are you... are you okay?” Simon asks. He cautiously takes a step towards him.

Raphael drags a hand over his face, suddenly actually looking his age. Like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Raphael?”

Raphael growls and grabs the nearest object, a desk, and flips it over like it’s nothing. Simon flinches.

“No, I’m not okay, fledgling!” He spits.

“I’ll kill them! I’ll kill them all!”

“Kill who?”

“Those Mundanes!” He barks. He takes a glass bottle from a shelf and throws it at the wall with such force it leaves a dent.

“But the Accords-”

“I don’t care about the Accords anymore! They think they can kill us, like we’re vermin? Like we’re nothing more than  _rats_? And the Shadowhunters, your friends, they protect them. They can play with us like we’re toys, they can stake us through the heart like we’re legends instead of people, and that’s okay but we - we can’t touch them or we’ll break the Accords! But not anymore. They want war? They can get one.”

He’s shaking now, his hands trembling fists by his sides. Simon walks towards him and tries to calm him down.

“What are you saying, Raphael? Did Mundanes kill Marc?”

“That’s  _exactly_ what they did. They hunted him, held him captive and then staked him through the heart. Like it was a  _game_. I promised the clan revenge, but I can’t give them that as long as the Accords are still standing.”

“I thought you supported the Accords.”

“Not when they get one of my own killed.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do,” Raphael whispers. 

“No, you don’t. You’re a good man, Raphael. You wouldn’t kill innocent people out of anger.”

Raphael’s face softens. It’s kinda amazing how fast he can de-age, just by the expression on his face. Suddenly, he doesn’t look a day older than seventeen.

“They’re not innocent,” he says, and his voice breaks.

Tears are threatening to spill from his dark eyes and Simon is in shock, having never seen the older vampire cry before. Or show any kind of emotion, that is.

“I - I don’t know what to do, Simon. I promised my clan revenge, but I can’t give them that as long as the Accords are still standing.”

“Raphael, the Accords protect us too. They protect all Downworlders.”

“How can you say that when Marc’s loss is still aching in your chest?”

Simon takes a moment before replying. Then he puts a hand on Raphael’s shoulder and looks him in the face.

“Look. I don’t know how we can get out of this mess etiher, but the last thing you want is to start a war. We already have one brewing over our heads and both the werewolves as the Shadowhunters are on our side at the moment. If I remember your lessons Vampire History 101 correctly, that’s more than we’ve ever had. Let’s keep it that way, okay? When this is all over, when Valentine is gone, maybe we can look at the Accords again. Make some adjustments. But they won’t agree to make those adjustments if we break them now, you hear me?”

Raphael lets out a deep, tortured sigh and wipes his eyes. 

“You’re pretty smart for a fledgling,” he says, trying to sound smug but failing.

Simon smiles.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Raphael makes a dismissive gesture and that’s Simon’s cue to leave, but not before giving Raphael a friendly pat on the shoulder.

“You’re a good leader, Raph,” he says before walking out of his room.

The next day, Simon is promoted to his personal advisor.

**~~**

Their relationship changes after that. Whatever they were before that - two people forced into a partnership or a vampire and a fledgling or whatever - it shifts to something more friendly. Raphael asks Simon for his opinion on clan matters and actually listens to what he has to say, is way more patient at his training sessions and even smiles on rare occassions, when Simon is being extremely ridiculous.

“You know, I’m getting a really Obi Wan Kenobi vibe from you today,” Simon says one night when Raphael is teaching him control over his bloodthirst.

Raphael makes a face at him.

“Is that some kind of food?”

“Wh- I - y-” Simon stutters, immediately forgetting the glass of blood sitting right in front of him.

“Are you really telling me you have never seen Star Wars?”

Raphal rolls his eyes dramatically and nods at the glass.

“Did I tell you you could stop?”

“I’m not drinking it, am I? So tell me. Luke, Leia, Han?”

“Look, I had already been a vampire for over twenty years when the first movie came out. We generally don’t care about Mundane stuff, especially not when it’s about some sort of war in space. We’re in the middle of brewing war all the time in our world, why would we enjoy watching one in a movie?”

“I can’t believe you just said that. We cannot be friends if you have never seen Star Wars.”

Raphael raises an eyebrow.

“Who’s talking about being friends?”

“Oh, come  _on._ We hang out every day, you laugh at my jokes - well, sometimes - an you ask me for advice. That’s as close to friendship as you’re ever gonna get. And you know what else friends do?”

“If you say movie night I swear to God I’m gonna punch you in the face.”

Simon grins widely.

“Movie night.”

Raphael throws his head in his neck.

“ _Dios mio,”_  he mumbles.

Simon is suddenly really motivated to finish his training session and all but hops to his room, enthusiastically jabbering on about the Star Wars universe and how Raphael has to pay attention to little details, nudging him in the ribs excitedly once they get to his room.

“Okay, you get comfortable on the couch and I’ll set up my laptop,” Simon instructs, already pushing Raphael to the couch in the corner of the room. He props up his laptop on the coffee table in front of it, puttng it on a pile of books so they can watch the movie comfortably instead of having to look down all the time. Then he plops down next to Raphael, their legs touching.

“Are you ready to have your mind blown?” Simon asks.

Raphael sighs.

“If you’re asking me if I’m ready to sit through two hours and a half of space talk and Mundanes, then yes.”

“Oh, stop being such a bitter old man and just enjoy the movie,” Simon complains, and then he presses play.

**~~**

Okay, so, Simon has a problem.

First of all, he got an invitation to a wedding.

Now, that itself wasn’t really a problem. Simon had gone to multiple weddings in his life and he usually just winged it with dark skinny jeans and a blazer, but that was before he was invited to a Shadowhunter wedding as the only vampire there.

So that led to his second problem. He couldn’t show up in dark jeans and a blazer when he was the only one representing an entire species.

That’s how he finds himself in front of Raphael’s door, nervously fidgeting before finally taking a breath and knocking on his door.

“Come in.”

Simon opens the door and waits in the doorframe for Raphael to look up from the book he’s reading. When he finally does, he has an annoyed expression on his face.

“Well? Are you going to ask something or just watch me age?”

“Oh! Yeah, I -uh... I need a favor.”

“Well, spill it, Lewis. I don’t have all night.”

“Okay, so I was invited to a wedding.”

“So?”

“So, it’s Alec Lightwood’s wedding. And I’m the only vampire invited - or the only Downwolder, that is. And I’m guessing I can’t show up in jeans and a T-shirt.”

Raphael is immediately interested, sitting up straight and putting away his book before eyeing Simon up and down.

“No, you certainly cannot. Follow me.”

He leads him to a huge walk in closet and gets out a rack of suits, glancing at Simon once more before pulling one out.

“Here, try this one on,” he says as he hands the suit to Simon. Simon looks around to find somewhere to change and Raphael sighs, turning around on his heels and impatiently waiting till Simon gets dressed.

“Well?” Simon asks once he got the suit on. Raphael turns around and raises an appreciative eyebrow.

“Not bad, Baby,” he says teasingly.

Simon grimaces.

“Raph, you do know that’s a name of endearment in the Mundane world, right?”

Raphael takes a step closer to adjust the collar of his jacket, patting Simon’s shoulder as if to wipe away some dust.

“Maybe I’m doing it on purpose,” he says with a cheeky grin. Then he turns around to continue reading his book.

“Wear the suit. It looks good on you.”

Simon doesn’t know what to say, so he just says nothing.

**~~**

Simon is a firm believer of the Teenage Sexuality Crisis. He really thinks literally  _everybody_ struggles with their sexuality when they’re going through puberty. Your body is raging with hormones, you find weird things attractive, you start exploring your body and what you’re in to.

So, for him, it’s only natural for everyone to ask themselves at least once in their life: “Am I really straight?”

Simon though, Simon has asked himself that very question a lot more often than once. It’s not like he’s scared to be anything but straight, it’s just something that he’s trying to figure out about himself. You know, do I like girls because I like girls or do I like girls because society tells me I should like them? Am I attracted to Raphael because I’m into guys or am i attracted to Raphael because he’s just really damn attractive?

It’s a question he hasn’t asked himself in, like, a week, but when he’s coming home from the wedding that morning, the sun already rising at the horizon, he’s buzzing with that unexpected kiss and his mind is filled with Raphael.

It only gets worse when he knocks on Raphael’s door and he opens in nothing more than striped pajama pants. His hair is curly and messy like that time he walked in on him raging and it’s honstly the most adorable thing he’s ever seen.

“Oh shit, sorry. I didn’t realize you were already asleep.”

Raphael rubs his eyes and yawns, obviously forgetting for a second he’s supposed to be a scary, brooding vampire clan leader. And fuck. Shit. Satan in a turtleneck. Lucifer on a bicyle. Simon is definitely into Raphael.  _Definitely_. Shit.

“I’m awake now. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to let you know that I’m home. And I’m also returning your jacket.”

Raphael looks him up and down and leans against the doorframe. Then he jerks his head to his bed.

“Why don’t you come in and tell me about the wedding. You look way too excited to have just been to a wedding of two Shadowhunters you don’t even like.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to keep you up.”

“Your stories usually bore me enough to fall asleep, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that for the sake of the amazing story I’m about to tell you.”

“You do that. Now, come in and take off my jacket before you ruin it.”

And Simon does. He places the jacket over a chair, kicks off his shoes and gets in bed with Raphael. It doesn’t even feel weird anymore; they moved from the couch to the bed to watch movies weeks ago.

Raphael gets comfortable in his huge bed, nuzzling into his pillow and closing his eyes as Simon starts his story.

When he finally gets to the kiss, Raphael is asleep.

**~~**

It’s becoming some sort of habit for Simon and Raphael to stay in as the others go hunting or partying in Downworlders clubs. Honestly, it’s like they’re an old married couple without the kissing. Except old married couples probably don’t kiss that much either anymore. 

Normally, they just hang out in Raphael’s room and talk or Raphael teaches him on Vampire History or some other subjects that are important to know when you’re suddenly immortal. 

But tonight, Simon isn’t feeling like learning anything.

“What do you mean, you have never played Never have I ever?”

“Okay, can we stop acting like it’s a world wide catastrophe every time I’m not aware of the ongoing pop culture?” Raphael complains.

“Okay, okay. Fine. But boy, are you gonna get educated tonight.”

When Raphael raises an eyebrow, Simon realizes that had way too much sexual subcontext.

He scrambles to his feet to get some blood from the bar and takes a bottle of tequila as well. Vampires actually  _can_ get drunk, contrary to popular belief. You just have to mix the alcohol with blood.

“What are you doing?” Raphael asks, only mildly interested.

“I’m gonna teach you the fine art of party games, my friend.”

“I wasn’t aware that this was a party.”

Simon sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, but he’s not going to let Raphael ruin his chances of getting to know him a little bit better. So he sits down on the couch Raphael is already sat in, puts the bottles of blood and tequila on the coffee table and takes out two shot glasses.

“Okay, the rules are simple. We take turns stating things and if they apply to you, you have to take a shot. For example, if I say: ‘Never have I ever driven a car.’ And you have, you take a shot. Got it?”

Raphael scowls at him.

“Yeah, Simon. I’m not stupid.” Then he moves to pour two shots, trying to balance the alcohol and blood equally.

“Who starts?”

Raphael grins.

“Ladies first,” he snickers.

“Oh, very funny. Calling me a girl for comic relief. Well, I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity, so jokes on you, Santiago.”

“Are you gonna start or not?”

“Fine.” He hands Raphael the shot glass and decides to start with something easy. It’s always better to get at least a bit tipsy before asking more interesting questions.

“Never have I ever lived in New York.” They both take a shot and refill their glasses. Now it’s Raphael’s turn.

“Never have I ever worn glasses.”

Simon glares at him, but takes a shot.

“Never have I ever been drunk.”

“Never have I ever peed my pants laughing.”

“Never have I ever been to a festival.”

They fire each other questions like that for a while, both getting more tipsy by the drink. Eventually, they’re starting to ask the real questions.

“Never have I ever kissed a girl,” Simon says. He watches as Raphael takes a shot, then does the same.

“Never have I ever kissed a boy,” Raphael grins. Then he downs another drink and Simon feels something tug in his guts. Holy fucking shit. So Raphael is into guys. He doesn’t know what to do with that informaton, but he stores it in his brain either way.

“Boy, do I want to know  _that_  story,” Simon mentions casually. He doesn’t really mean anything by it, but Raphael’s grin falters immediately.

“I - uh. I had a boyfriend. When I was still human.”

“But weren’t you human in the 50s? Like, with the Lavender Scare and all the homophobes?”

“We had to keep it a secret,” Raphael explains.

“Oh. So, what happened to him? Did you break up with him when you Turned? Or was it like Twilight where the human is together with the vampire for a while until they’re old enough to get Turned too?”

Raphael looks at his empty glass, then reaches for the bottles to refill it. He doesn’t wait for another question to take a drink.

“He died,” he says curtly.

“Oh. Shit. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It was a long time ago.”

The mention of Raphael’s dead boyfriend certainly killed the mood, and Simon leans back on the couch with his empty glass in his hands.

When it’s becoming painfully obvious that they’re both done asking questions, Simon gets up and stretches.

“Well, I guess it’s time to call it a night, isn’t it?”

Raphael agrees.

* * *

 

**_Then_ **

_(There once was a monster that walked like a man, and thus it deceived everyone.)_

Children started disappearing.

The neighborhood Raphael grew up in had always been nice and calm. Nothing really happened there and everyone knew each other.

That’s why the missing children felt like the world around him was ending.

People started talking about unholy things, about children of the night. Vampires.

Raphael had heard stories, but he had never considered them real.

That was until a child was found dead, drained from all his blood. It had been a friend of Raphael’s little brother.

That’s how he found himself rallying up teenagers from his neighborhood, telling them how it was  _their_ job to protect the people they cared about. So if that meant hunting down an unholy creature, something nightmares were made of, so be it.

David thought it was crazy. They even had a fight about it, David telling Raphael he had a suicidal hero complex. Raphael snarled that David was just a coward and that he didn’t care about his neighborhood at all. In the end, that was the reason why David tagged along.

To prove that he was brave. For Raphael.

The mysterious disappearances of the children ended up being the work of a vampire, just like they had expected. They managed to track it down to a hotel and Raphael convinced his friends to raid it, searching for the vampire so they could finally end it. He kissed the golden cross on his neck before entering the unholy domain.

Everything went wrong really quickly. Not only did he get seperated from the group, he also got captured by the very same vampire they had been tracking down.

Raphael thought he could fight it off, even if it was just to make sure his friends got out. But vampires are fast and strong and he was pinned against the ground, a cold hand screwed around his neck, before he could even blink.

And then there were teeth and blood and death and rebirth.

And then there was even more blood. Warm, thick, human blood, drank straight from the necks of the boys he had been vampire hunting with a day before.

The monster in him spared David till last. Somehow, it thought that would be funny. And Raphael was just so  _hungry_ , and David’s blood was so good. He faintly heard him pleading for his life, calling Raphael’s name, trying to bring him back.

But Raphael was gone, and now there was only red.

When all his friends were dead, drained from every drop of blood in their body, Raphael tried to kill himself.

Luckily, Magnus Bane found him just in time.

* * *

 

**_Now_ **

_(There once were two monsters who couldn’t be saved. They ended up saving each other anyway.)_

They don’t hang out anymore after that. There’s no more chilling in Raphael’s room, no more movie nights, no more acting like a married couple, and certainly no more drinking.

Raphael crawls back into his shell around Simon. He changes back into the brooding, clossed off clan leader instead of the kinda nice asshole Simon has grown to know and love.

Simon feels like he should apologize, but he doesn’t know what for. _Sorry I brought up your dead boyfriend and made things awkward?_  He really doesn’t want to bring that up again.

Their relationship is strictly professional again, even more distant than before. Simon goes to his trainings, listens to Raphael’s lectures, but that’s it.

Raphael doesn’t ask him to stick around anymore, so instead, Simon decides to go out with other clan members.

Bad idea. Simon seems to be good at those.

He loses the other vampires in a local Downworlder club, and immediately his old social anxiety comes rushing back to him. He finds himself pushing past sweaty bodies to get outside and get some fresh air, even though his brain is yelling that he _doesn’t need air anymore_.

Once outside, it doesn’t take long for them to find him.

If he had just practised on his hearing like Raphael had instructed to do, he’d heard them coming. But no, Simon Lewis had to be the little rebel.

And now there's some substance injected into his neck and his legs are falling from underneath him before he can even attempt to fight back.

Simon didn’t even know vampires could get drugged.

Great.

**~~**

When he wakes up, his head is spinning and he has a huge headache. It takes him a while to become aware of his surroundings, but once the fog in his mind clears up he realizes he’s tied to a chair in an empty room.

Though he’s still a bit out of it, he’s awake enough to realize he’s been kidnapped.

Fuck. Raphael is going to be so pissed at him.

He tries to shift in the chair, but the ropes burn his flesh.

“What the fuck?” He asks out loud. That’s the cue for a man to step out of the darkness.

Simon has met quite a lot of Downworlders in his few months as a vampire. He’s seen purple skin, two heads, snake eyes.

But somehow, the man in a three piece in front of him is scarier than all the Downworlders combined.

It’s not the obvious scary. He doesn’t have a deformed face or extra arms or anything like that. There’s just something... eery about him. Like seeing a manaquin in a closed mall. You know they’re just dolls, but at the same time you think they could come alive any second.

“Uh, hello,” Simon says sheepishly. He doesn’t feel like a strong vampire at all now.

“Mind telling me what’s going on here?”

The man nods at the ropes around Simon’s body.

“Those are sprinkled with holy water. Trying to squirm out of them will only burn your skin.”

“Aha. I see. You did your homework, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. And don’t get any ideas; even if you manage to escape those ropes, we’re on holy ground. Stepping onto it will burn you.”

“Clever. Any other things in here that could kill me?”

The man jerks his thumb to the shadows behind him, and more people appear.

Simon curses at himself. If only he’d practised on the hearing.

The people around him don’t look like vampire hunters. They don’t even look that dangerous; all middle class, neatly dressed white people.

But then again, the same can probably be said about KKK members when they’re not wearing the white robes.

“Now, vampire. We’re going to ask you some questions and you’re going to answer them, or else we’ll kill you. Got it?”

Simon swallows loudly.

“Loud and clearly.”

“Good,” the man says. And then he stabs a silver knife into Simon’s leg.

“Let’s begin.”

**~~**

By the time Raphael finds him, every person in the room has taken a turn stabbing Simon with a silver knife. He’s healing, but only slowly. Apparently vampires can’t really stomach silver. Guess that’s something to bond over with the werewolves.

They want to know where the hotel is. The lair. But if there’s one thing Simon has learned as a clan member, it’s loyalty. These people could torture him until they were all old and grey, and he still wouldn’t give them their location.

He’s been here for a whole day, having to endure the hunters laughing as he tried to squirm away fom the sunlight until their leader told them to draw the curtains and keep them shut.

Now, as the sun is setting, the hunters are losing their patience.

“He’s not going to talk, Jeremy,” one of the hunters, a woman, pleads.

“Let’s just kill him and move on to the next one.”

The others in the room agree, but Jeremy shakes his head.

“This one’s important. I’ve seen him around the leader a lot, they’re basically together all the time. If we kill him, no Accords will be able to protect us. Their leader will tear through every last one of us to avenge his death.”

Talking is one of Simon’s only defense mechanisms (well, besides the fangs) so he’d been talking the entire day. It’s the first time in almost twenty four hours he’s lost for words.

Do the hunters think - do they really think Raphael cares about him enough to break the Accords if needed to?

“Okay, vampire. We’re gonna try this again. You tell us where your kind is hiding and we’ll let you go.”

Simon smiles in Jeremy’s face, a gesture he’s found out doesn’t sit well with him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says cheerfully.

Jeremy glares at him and spills a glass of holy water on his leg.

Simon screams and curses until the burning sensation goes away, but he still won’t talk. They’ll have to kill him before he tells them the location of their lair.

“Look, buddy. You really don’t want a war between the vampires and the Mundanes, especially if vampires can easily lift fifty times their own weight and Mundanes can barely stay awake for 48 hous before nearly going insane.”

“Is that so?” Jeremy asks, cocking a bow.

“Then how come we’ve got a vampire here who can’t even fight back? Where are your buddies now?”

“Right here,” a familiar voice sounds behind him, and Jeremy turns around so quickly it’s almost comical.

Raphael is like a mini hurricane. Before Simon can register what’s going on, he’s already got five hunters on the ground. The remaining four follow quickly.

“Raph?” Simon asks as if he can’t believe his own two eyes. Which, to be honest, he can’t.

“How - how are you _here_? We’re on holy ground, you’re supposed to-”

“Go up in flames?” Raphael shrugs like it’s nothing.

“Years of practice.”

He unties Simon, ignoring the blisters formng on his hands when his skin comes in contact with the ropes. Then he lifts Simon in his arms and runs.

**~~**

Raphael doesn’t leave Simon’s side for the next few days, making sure he’s healing well and bringing him extra blood so he can recover quickly. He even starts picking up comics laying around in Simon’s room and starts reading them as he keeps him company.

“Do you know you kinda remind me of Superman?” Simon asks on the third night. He’s feeling a lot better, but Raphael still insists on him staying in bed.

Raphael looks up from the comic he’s reading and raises an eyebrow.

“Really?”

“Yeah, with the dark hair and broad shoulders and saving damsels in distress, aka me.”

Raphael smiles.

“You’re not a damsel in distress, Simon.”

“You still saved me, though.”

“Couldn’t let my favorite fledgling die, could I?”

“I’m your favorite fledgling?”

“Well, you’re also my _only_  fledgling.”

Simon rolls his eyes at him.

“Stop being such a tease.”

Raphael chuckles, but then his expression turns serious.

“Listen, Simon... That night, when I told you about my - about my past. I don’t want you to feel like I’m not over it. Over him.”

Simon frowns.

“I’m not following you.”

Raphael sighs and runs his fingers though his hair, only proving Simon’s previous Superman point. He gets up from his chair, only to sit down next to Simon on his bed.

“I used to think I was broken. Now I know there are terms for how I feel and what I don’t feel. I - I don’t normally have romantic interest in anyone. I haven’t had those kind of feelings for anyone in over half a century but you - I...” Raphael groans and bites his lip, struggling with his words. If Simon’s heart would still be beating, it’d be hammering out of his chest right about now.

“It’s different with you. Look, I don’t want you to feel forced to feel the same way because I barely get these kind of feelings. I thought - I thought you should just know. That, that I like you.”

When Simon doesn’t immediately reply, Raphael rubs his eyes and gets up.

“I’ll let you rest now,” he decides. But before he can move, Simon’s hand shoots forward to hold him there.

He struggles to get onto his knees, pushing the sheets away with a frustrated grunt. Then he’s propped up his knees, almost the same height as Raphael.

Before he can really think about anything at all, he cups Raphael’s neck and pulls him into a kiss.

Raphael is caught off guard and loses his balance in surprise, hitting his shins on the bed and falling forward. Simon pulls back and grins.

“Did I knock you off your feet?” He jokes.

“ _Idiota_ ,” Raphael replies. Simon’s had enough of Spanish in highschool to know what that means, but Raphael says it so lovingly it could easily be mistaken for a cute nickname.

“Maybe, but at least I’m _your_ idiota.”

Raphael smiles almost shyly as he moves forward to boop Simon’s nose with his own.

“Yeah, you are,” he whispers before going in for another kiss.

Only a few months ago, Simon had thought about ending his life after being Turned.

Luckily, Raphael Santiago found him just in time.

**Author's Note:**

> so how about Raphael killing his first love, eh? I'll be here all week offering you pain you didn't ask for :)


End file.
